mine... DISGRACED

these days i had made myself a vow:never grievance myself to do anything again.

i felt very happy n relieve these days -- actually since when i became "alone" -- wif no more burden in myself, not because of already knew my result, but because of i already get rid of myself out of something.....

besides that, i really have good mood these days -- of course, after i became "alone" -- n no more bad tempers -- bad mood, actually -- though i was as nearly as being bitten by PAOPAO -- she always tried to sit up when i cradle her on my left palm -- n i used her little sleep prop,tissueroll to beat her buttocks.haha ^^ this is the most irritating incident i can concluded since i was "alone".but bitten by PAOPAO was not as bad n hurts as u think.i almost ENJOYED myself !!!!!

by thinking about the "unpleasant" things, i was so disgusting of myself.after thinking about it, i realize that that was not worthing enough -- not exactly the worth -- for me to rack my brain to think again n again n again what was really going on because there was no even one tiny thing that can worth me to think about.no memories about that.

what was i thinking at that time???? this is the question that i always ask myself. maybe i got my eye blind at that time(many of my audience said like that). is that i really insane??? is that i really lost myself principle, my own self-respect??? why i had done it???? stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!!!

i m so glad n relieve that these was over. i had already get rid of myself out of it -- not the sad, but all the "unpleasant" things i had decided since that time i was so unmature.

i had concluded that i was really insane at that time, what was i thinking??? i dunno.... i hadn't do anything that can make me feel so disgrace like this.


i didn't felt any sadness about the "end", but i felt relieve n comfort n not a single tiny things of sadness or regret for the end. on the contrary, i feel so happy about how fast it was end instead of waiting for a long time.

get myself out, i realized that i had losing myself so far away n so long n already it made me very irritating.about becoming myself again -- no more tied n bind up -- was so glad. i'd got myself back, my whole will, my whole strength, even my whole sane. i know what i have to do for the coming time, what i m supposed to race n complete n even compete -- i want to do what my both sis had done.if u ask me whether i will do it again, then i will use up all of my will n say i will NOT. i had done all the wrong things.... very worse very worse.... even i feel disgrace of myself now.

maybe many of u dunno what i was trying to tell (if got any of u read my blog), i rather u can guess urself, because i feel so embarrassed n ashamed by saying it aloud.

i m not trying to insult anyone of u, if it does then i sincerely apology.