my...can't-sleep-nights

i m having bad weeks -- bad nights, actually.

what's the bad is, i can't fall asleep as easily as before though i m really in a very good mood -- after those you-know-what-thing i actually having a very good mood. maybe i m too overexcited after reading those vampire-love-saga now i m too over-obsessing with. maybe my brain not willing enough to pause itself just for a few moment or hours from recalling the scene i'd made while i read the stories n insisting me to continue reading though my eyes have already popped out from their sokets. maybe i'd already turned insane -- result from me totally obsessed with whatever the story had told.

i need to squeeze my eyes so shut till the edge of my eye lids sting with pain, then i have to relaxe myself n open them n staring at the white ceiling of my room wif wide eyes. AGAIN.

the most humorous thing is hearing my sis snort!!! and that is so ironic -- what if u can't fall asleep at night but u have to watch the others enjoying their whatever dreams they have?

the story i'd read will continue appearing behind my lids like a real movie -- maybe i already got paranoid, too. with such an embarrassment, what i need to say is i m totally enjoying myself -- not the can't-sleep-nights, but the 'movie' -- though my brain have already worn-out.

every night my will of stop-myself -to-read have to struggle itself to fight off the other will of insist-to-read, but my will-of-stop will always lose n beaten by my will-of-read, never win. and so, another night of sleepless night....

my over-obsessed of the story had began made my sis suspicious over me whether or not i really truely understant what the story had told -- maybe they still didn't buying my reasons for over-enjoying reading those saga. that's really annoying!!!

now i had proceed to ECLIPSE -- the third book which is the final second of the series -- oso growing my passionate much more than before for CULLENS.

thx so much for my mummy n daddy who always support n buying me those books i love.

lurbeu ol ^^

mine... DISGRACED

these days i had made myself a vow:never grievance myself to do anything again.

i felt very happy n relieve these days -- actually since when i became "alone" -- wif no more burden in myself, not because of already knew my result, but because of i already get rid of myself out of something.....

besides that, i really have good mood these days -- of course, after i became "alone" -- n no more bad tempers -- bad mood, actually -- though i was as nearly as being bitten by PAOPAO -- she always tried to sit up when i cradle her on my left palm -- n i used her little sleep prop,tissueroll to beat her buttocks.haha ^^ this is the most irritating incident i can concluded since i was "alone".but bitten by PAOPAO was not as bad n hurts as u think.i almost ENJOYED myself !!!!!

by thinking about the "unpleasant" things, i was so disgusting of myself.after thinking about it, i realize that that was not worthing enough -- not exactly the worth -- for me to rack my brain to think again n again n again what was really going on because there was no even one tiny thing that can worth me to think about.no memories about that.

what was i thinking at that time???? this is the question that i always ask myself. maybe i got my eye blind at that time(many of my audience said like that). is that i really insane??? is that i really lost myself principle, my own self-respect??? why i had done it???? stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!!!

i m so glad n relieve that these was over. i had already get rid of myself out of it -- not the sad, but all the "unpleasant" things i had decided since that time i was so unmature.

i had concluded that i was really insane at that time, what was i thinking??? i dunno.... i hadn't do anything that can make me feel so disgrace like this.


i didn't felt any sadness about the "end", but i felt relieve n comfort n not a single tiny things of sadness or regret for the end. on the contrary, i feel so happy about how fast it was end instead of waiting for a long time.

get myself out, i realized that i had losing myself so far away n so long n already it made me very irritating.about becoming myself again -- no more tied n bind up -- was so glad. i'd got myself back, my whole will, my whole strength, even my whole sane. i know what i have to do for the coming time, what i m supposed to race n complete n even compete -- i want to do what my both sis had done.if u ask me whether i will do it again, then i will use up all of my will n say i will NOT. i had done all the wrong things.... very worse very worse.... even i feel disgrace of myself now.

maybe many of u dunno what i was trying to tell (if got any of u read my blog), i rather u can guess urself, because i feel so embarrassed n ashamed by saying it aloud.

i m not trying to insult anyone of u, if it does then i sincerely apology.